Pathetic
by Crimson1
Summary: Goku POV about how he deals with his infatuation with a certain monk by taking the matter into his own 'hand'. Pretty angsty. Based off a fanart. Please R&R! Yaoi implied. I mean, of course it is, it's me! Unrequited 93.


PATHETIC

* * *

This is pathetic. On the floor like this, I know it's pathetic. I mean, geez, I couldn't even make it to the bed this time. I had my clothes off the second the door was locked behind me and my hand on my cock before I'd taken two steps.

It's always like this. I'm sittin' there with everyone at dinner, stuffing my face like they expect me to, and all just to keep my attention offa how crazy he makes me. All he has to do is sit there, look pissy, and blow a buncha smoke in my face and I'm as hard as a rock. Stupid monkey. No wonder he never calls me by name anymore.

Lately, it's been getting worse too. In the back of the jeep it ain't so bad coz I got Gojyo to distract me. Sanzo's right there the whole time, but with just the back of his head I don't usually get into any big fantasies. When we set up camp or hit a town though, and I actually get to take the time to look at him…man. I might as well swipe his gun and blow my brains out with it. Feeling this way for Sanzo has me as good as screwed, and not the way I want.

It's so sick. It's so wrong. Gojyo would never let me live it down if he knew. But the number of times a day I think about Sanzo and sex in the same sentence can't even be counted. If we're not fighting youkai, eating, or sleeping, Sanzo is on my brain and down my pants. Mentally anyway. _Actually_ having Sanzo down my pants…I'd be more likely to die of starvation.

So what do I do? I sit on the floor like this, hand on my dick, jacking like nobody's business. Sad thing is, I do it every chance I get. Okay, so maybe it isn't that often since we're on the road so much, but if I counted how many times…shit. If I counted how many times, I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror anymore.

Sometimes I pretend it's Sanzo touching me, other times I pretend I'm the one touching him. Either way gets me off the same coz I'd take either option in a heartbeat. Touching Sanzo's gotta be as good as getting touched. I mean, look at the guy. He's skinny and mean and almost never smiles in a nice way, but he is so damn hot somehow. The black silk clinging to him when he lets his robes hang off his hips. _Damn it._ Those eyes and all that gold in his hair. _Fuck_. And all of the above has nothing on what he looks like naked.

I mean, of course I've seen Sanzo naked. Tons of times. I've lived with the guy for who knows how long, and being on this journey has the four of us sharing baths a lot. The big bathhouses are nice, and the ones at inns with lotsa space, but I like it when the bathrooms are smaller and we can only go in two at a time. Sanzo usually goes by himself then or with Hakkai, but sometimes it's with me. And when I don't think he's paying attention, I take my time looking. Gotta save up the images for nights like this.

I'm getting pretty close now. I just kinda fell to the floor, I was so pent up. Soon as I start going my knees get weak pretty fast, so if I'm not on a bed, down I go. I got one leg bent in front of me and one bent behind. I'm looking down but not at what I'm doing. My eyes are real tight and in my head all I see is violet and gold. He's just so beautiful. And when I can think it's really him touching me or me touching him, sometimes I forget it's just my own stupid hand on my own stupid, selfish dick.

But if I can really pretend…that's when it hurts the most when I'm done. Coz then it hits me so much harder that Sanzo isn't really here. It's just me, plopped down in the middle of my room, naked, with my dick in my hand, tears on my face, and no one around who gives a shit.

Damn it. I'm crying again. I didn't even realize but…now that I've got the fantasy so good in my head I don't need to close my eyes…I see a few drops hit the carpet. The image I've tricked myself into seeing ripples like a pond when my tears start falling on the floor and I remember I'm alone. There's no violet and gold. There's no one but me. This doesn't even feel good anymore but I'm hurting so bad I just wanna come. I just wanna feel that fire for a second so I can forget how stupid this is.

I start moving my hand faster, crying harder. Every bit of skin I'm touching is wet from me being so close now. Feeling it wet like this gets my blood pumping even more and I'm gasping, panting, whimpering. But it doesn't feel how I want. It can never feel how I want when _I'm_ the one doing it.

The strange pressure low in my stomach starts building up real fast and hot. I'm so close I start pumping my hand frantic. I just wanna come. I just want it to be over. I wanna forget he's not here. I wanna forget I'm sitting here on the floor doing this. Again.

Why can't it be you, Sanzo? Why can't it be you…?

The pressure pops when I'm not expecting it, like it always does, covering my hand and some of the carpet. I wipe my hand on a clean spot, not wanting to think about cleaning it up myself or what the maid will think when she finds it tomorrow after we're gone. Knowing I'll still be a little wobbly on my knees, I get up and go to the bed. My clothes are piled by the door, but I just want to sleep.

I wipe myself off a little with part of the blanket at the foot of the bed. As long as I feel kinda clean, it won't matter. Climbing under the covers I figure I might as well sleep naked, since I can't think about doing anything else. I roll over to stare at the window and just to spite me it summons up an image of a certain monk sitting there, smoking all casual and looking too good for words.

I close my eyes and start to cry again. This is pathetic. So damn pathetic. But until I can figure some way out of it, I'm just gonna have to stand it.

THE END

A/N: What the hell was that? Well, there's this lovely piece of art that wasn't supposed to be Goku but always looked like him to me, and I felt urged to write a fic about it. When I find the pic online again I'll let people know where to find it. It's at y!gallery somewhere and is a black and white drawning of a bish from the back, sitting as I described Goku, clearly jacking off because his arm has those movement-indicating slashes. And he's thinking "This is Pathetic." If you know the pic, let me know, but I'll keep looking for it. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this little ficlet. Still working on my bigger fic but everyone needs a break. Last line of this fic is in honor of "Brokeback Mountain." Go see it! And see ya next time!

Crimson


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